A middle-aged man from London, England, is held by local police. A drug-induced, brutal and sexually-motivated violent frenzy, resulted in a bloody massacre at a reptile center yesterday. The loner got accused of breaking into the animal facility. There he was stomping on the heads of several tortoises. Police are calling this ‘a crazed episode of profound violence’.
One Eye-witness Described The Scene
“ This chubby man came running in. He was eating what looked like some sort of freaky magic mushrooms. Then he started jumping on everything. He killed fifteen lovely little tortoises and started shouting “Where is she?”. He was out of his f**king tree”.
Who Is The Man Behind The Violent Bloodbath
The police were unwilling to disclose the identity of the suspect. Yet our reporters were able to confirm that he is an out-of-work plumber. He harbors an unhealthy obsession with a member of the royal family. As a result, he believes that, with an act of profound bravery, he’ll copulate with a princess. Hence, his determination to gain entry to the royal box saw his activities turn from a fantasy into something much more sinister.
The officer was able to confirm the following, disturbing facts about twisted, violent individual, now dubbed ‘Jump Man’:
We’re holding Jump Man in custody. A full assessment by a mental health specialist is pending. Yet here we have here is a deeply-disturbed, and violent man. Despite claiming to be a plumber, has been unable to present any evidence of this. However, he owns a dungaree and has a mustache. We’ve spoken to his kin. They have been helpful describing Jump Man’s habits. These include drug use, breaking bricks with his head and climbing up flag poles”.
Our reporters confirm that Jump Man spent an unhealthy amount of time playing video games in his youth. But a connection between his behavior and his childhood habits is not established. We’ll keep you posted as this dramatic story unfolds.