8 Things That Should Remain Unrealistic in Gaming

With the powerful computing technology found in current-gen gaming platforms, it seems like it’s only a matter of time before developers easily bridge the uncanny valley. But when they do, is it possible that these developers will realize that they were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, that they didn’t stop to think if they should?

Errands 

Don’t forget to pick up a loaf of bread too!

Running errands in real life is a total drag. But, replace “to-do” list with “side quest” and we’ll spend hours chasing chickens or tracking down lost jewelry for complete strangers! The tedium of standing in line at the Post Office would be far more tolerable if it came with the promise of XP. And, if the act of picking up a gallon on milk on the way home from work was met with brief musical fanfare, I’d do it everyday!

Playing Sports

Luckily, in-game concussions aren’t usually very serious.

Fresh air and exercise are overrated. In a video game, not only can you forgo all those wasted hours of backyard practice and disappointing college rejection letters to start in the pros, you’re never benched because of bad press or failed drug tests. In fact, you can be high as a kite and still win the big game. Plus, thanks to the anonymity of the internet, you can safely talk as much trash as you like, regardless of your actual skill or physical prowess.

Eating

Can you pass the gravy?

In our fast-paced, modern world, who’s got time to eat a healthy, balanced meal? And, if texting while cramming that drive-thru burger and fries into your face doesn’t kill you, the calories will. In gaming, there’s no such muss or fuss. Instead of spending hours preparing, cooking, and eating a meal, video games only require that you simply touch, (or sometimes squat over) food to absorb it’s nutrients. It’s so simple, an entire turkey dinner can be consumed between punches in a back alley street fight.

Healthy Living

It cures what ails ya’.

Even if you could slough off the temporary inconvenience of death with a simple reload like most god-like game protagonists, you’d still want all your infinite lives healthy ones. Luckily, in video games you don’t have to struggle through hours of boring, sweaty exercise while avoiding the pleasures in life. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been crippled your organs with fried food and booze, or sustained a direct shotgun blast to the face, it’s nothing a little white box with a Red Cross can’t solve.

Driving

Yet another reason you shouldn’t text and drive.

Real traffic laws are boring. Whereas ripping down the sidewalk at 150 mph and plowing through a crowd of people at the bus stop only warrants a minor ticket, the morning commute in places like Liberty City is far morning exciting than in your town. Plus, when your ride gets too banged up by all those pedestrians skulls, it’s no problem at all as vehicle maintenance is as easy as the push of a button. In games, you’re never fleeced by a mechanic secretly taking advantage of your complete lack of vehicle knowledge.

Relationships

Thanks to GameFAQs, Tom knew Cindy couldn’t resist red sweaters.

Let’s be honest, emotions screw up everything. They cloud your judgement, make you say things you don’t mean, and make you illogically want what you can’t have. Navigating this messy labrynth of social interaction is so much simpler when any dating dilemma can be avoided by consulting a walkthrough. There’s no reason to be nervous for that blind date when, according to GameFAQs, the color green makes her “like” meter go up. Just bring a bucket of green paint and you’re all set!

Building

Give me ten seconds and I’ll build you an iPhone.

Video game skylines are an awesome sight to behold when structural visions are no longer hindered by annoying things like zoning permits, structural integrity, and the basic laws of physics. Considering that to obtain the raw materials for these architectural masterpieces is typically only a matter of striking larger objects with smaller, blunt objects, the entire process is also more environmentally friendly than in real life. Even the most complex devices in gaming can typically be crafted using only a couple refined materials. Smashed open your iPhone? Don’t worry, it’s nothing a little chewing gum and scrap metal can’t fix.

Commerce

Would you like to become a Rewards Club member and save 10%?

While it’s true that real life retailers always have far more variety than your average in-game shopkeeper, you can rest assure that video game vendors will always have what you need in stock. If the item you seek is too pricey, never fear; nearly all in-game merchants can’t resist buying useless, easily collectible objects found about the environment. When you finally do save up enough cash to purchase that goblin-slaying sword of badass-ery, no in-game sales clerk will ever hassle you into giving out your personal information to open a credit card or buy a magazine subscription.

So what do you think? Do you agree that these activities should remain unrealistic in games, or are we way off base? Did we forget anything? Let us know in the comments!

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