I know very little of Conan as a literary figure. I have never read any of Robert E. Howard’s novels based on the character and I have never read any of the numerous comics featuring him. I have also never seen any of his movies but I believe that the original starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and the recent remake was directed by Marcus Nispel so I’m fairly certain that I’m not missing much of anything. I have, however, dipped my toe into the pool of Conan when it comes to his adventures in video games. How was the water you ask? The word ‘lukewarm’ comes to mind.
The story focuses on Conan traveling around the world in search of the missing pieces of his armor. In true Metroid style you begin the game fully suited up but you quickly lose all of it in a cinematic that sets up the story and throws you into your adventure. The world of Conan should have been fertile soil for an enjoyable video game experience. There are plenty of swords, magic, monsters and blood but somehow the pieces don’t quite come together like they should. That’s not to say that there isn’t some level of satisfying hack-and-slash going on here but nothing in Conan ever really elevates it above what ends up being just another generic action game.
The combat system is pretty impressive initially. There aren’t hundreds of different weapon types to choose from or anything like that but there is some nice variety in the kills. You can choose form dual wielding, sword and shield, or two handed attacks. Throughout the first few stages you will find plenty of satisfying blood-letting as you lop off every available limb your enemies offer you but the product quickly wears thin as you see the same kill animations ad nauseum throughout the entire game. Leveling up your kill options by way of opening magic chests scattered throughout the world will add a little bit of spice to your stew but it’s not enough to alleviate the been-there-done-that feeling you’ll have by the end of the game. There’s also the obligatory on-screen button prompts that you will deal with from beginning to end. I remember playing Tomb Raider: Legend back in 2006 and being kind of charmed by the whole “Quick TimeEvent” thing but I think that by now I’d be OK if I never saw one again.
Magic also features prominently in combat. As you progress through the game you will unlock different magical abilities to help inflict damage on your enemies like turning them into stone or unleashing a barrage of flesh eating birds on them. These attacks are affective and pretty fun but after every use you have to find magical chests to recharge your magic meter so you do not get to use them as often as you would like.
The uneven difficulty may be the most frustrating element. It’s hard to come to grips with how powerful and combat savvy that Conan is supposed to be when you can wipe seven soldiers out in a matter of seconds but a solitary lion seems immune to your barbarian strength. The boss battles are also a long, hard lesson in frustration. The final boss left me considering whether or not that final achievement was really worth it. I can handle tough battles in video games but some of the difficulty spikes in Conan felt cheap rather than an organic product of your progress.
The sound in Conan is a mixed bag. Mike Reagan, who also worked on God of War, makes the music a high point in the experience. The drum-heavy soundtrack is suited perfectly to the visceral feel of the game. Voice acting on the other hand, is hit-and-miss with most of the cast ranging from OK to laughable. The voice of Conan, however, is Ron Perlman and he is terrific as always. Maybe I’m just too much of a fan but I think I could listen to that man read the phonebook. Seriously, just watch Hellboy and tell me anyone else could play that part.
In the end, Conan didn’t end up finding its way into my list of worse games ever but it also never came anywhere near my list of best games. Conan borrows a lot of gameplay elements from other action games but it doesn’t utilize them as well as the games it’s copying. It’s bound to disappear into video game obscurity, being quickly forgotten, having offered nothing new to the video game landscape. That’s probably why I have yet to talk to anyone else who has actually played it and that’s also probably why I was able to find it for five dollars at Gamestop.