Wah Wah Wah…
Here they come, walkin’ down the street. The nerds, the geeks, the rejects. You get all the funniest looks from everyone you meet. Maybe it’s your smile, or maybe it’s the way you dress, or maybe you just can’t seem to strike up one ounce of courage. Whatever the case, you’re not alone. Rather, you’re among friends of all kinds. We aren’t here to put anybody down, no sir. On the contrary, there’s nothing more empowering than the unashamed misfit. Dorkdom is only a temporary condition, and one as easily remedied as any ailment. Join us as we chronicle eight game characters’ tales of woe and triumph, from all-out dork to total badass.
Jason Brody
As a Dork: Have we told you the definition of insanity? Chances are we have, but we probably haven’t told you the definition of whatever Jason Brody is. Working some Pineapple Express stoner schtick, Jason wears “Your douche college roommate” on his sleeve like nobody’s business. It’s little wonder Jason and company end up kidnapped. Only someone smoking a marijuana field could think the classic deserted island cliche equalled a trip to Disneyland. Lame, bro.
As a Badass: Apparently someone must’ve snapped Jason out of his haze. Remember Jason Brody? Thank the Rakyat for Jason Dudebrody. Who would’ve guessed a little ink would’ve made one twenty-something delinquent into a pirate killing machine? If tattoos were like potato chips, then you know there’s never just one. Jason probably would’ve had to stencil in room on his posterior by the time he could rain hellfire from the sky given long enough. Well, there’s always Far Cry 4.
Aquaman
As a Dork: Aquaman’s a joke of a hero on every level. Just look at the man. A Ken doll in a sequin wet suit the color of a traffic cone, we doubt Arthur Curry would get beyond the kiddy pool, much less the Atlantic looking like a lifeguard in green booties. And his superpower? There’s an ocean of fish jokes too numerous to mention here, but if talking to goldfish springs to mind, then you’ve probably heard of a few of ‘em. Two fins down.
As a Badass:
The year is 2013. Aquaman wields a trident. He sticks Batman on that trident and feeds him to a shark. Cue the most painful dose of whiplash we ever suffered from a double-take. It’s not hard to imagine Aquaman giving his most smug “Are you not entertained?!” spiel. Netherealm won this battle for Atlantis.
Raiden
As a Dork: Poor, poor Raiden. A whiny, sword-sophisticated not-Snake, it’s like only yesterday he was the infamous bait-and-switch that raised the ire of so many a Metal Gear fan. A vanilla baby face prone to slipping on bird poop, Konami read our minds ahead of time, because Raiden never ceased to be on the butt end (and eventually literally) of countless in-game jokes. We won’t forget the naked cartwheels, Kojima.
As a Badass: Raiden would reemerge nearly unrecognizable (if not for his Deviant Art-friendly hair) as a nihilistic cyber ninja just snapping spines and taking names. The next step? Be a better one. By Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, Raiden was already a cackling maniac thanks to the absurdity lords at Platinum. Somehow he’s paying the bills for the family back home, we know it’s all about doing something you love.
Mickey Mouse
As a Dork: If you’ve played one Mickey Mouse game, you’ve probably played them all. Most involve Mickey bouncing on platforms and collecting trinkets to some chipper Disney tune. All of them include running around with inconsistently anthropomorphic dogs and saving the day in the most family friendly way possible. That’s all dandy until the day you grow up and realize Minny Mouse is just Mickey in drag. No, we can’t unthink this.
As a Badass: Or can we? Thank Square Enix for losing the kid shorts and grabbing Mickey a keyblade, because it was was Kingdom Hearts that made Micky some hoodie wearing, keyblade-slinging badass, flipping around through the air and dealing brightly colored magical death to wave after wave of Heartless. Now if only he could lose the falsetto, the Darth Mouse wardrobe would be complete.
Ico
As a Dork: See Ico run. See Ico climb. See Ico hold hands. When you look at Ico, you can’t help but take a cursory glance at some whiny kindergartener more liable to be reading bedtime stories about a bear named Boo. Worse, a kindergartener half-dressed up for some school play with Vikings learning the true meaning of friendship or something. Sissy.
As a Badass: And how very, very wrong we were. Just when we sat on every save point thinking we were up for, Ico’s pulled out a magical sword like some kid King Arthur, banishing evil with a single swing of its mighty blade. Ya know when Mom told you to be careful with sharp objects? Well, sorry mom! Ico points it right at the Evil Queen’s heart, gets the girl, and makes off across the sea feeling like an accomplished killer. Kids grow up so fast. *sniff*
Jimmy Hopkins
As a Dork: Bully’s Jimmy Hopkins is definitely compensating for something. The everybrat lovechild of every punk-faced dudebro known to man, Jimmy’s one step away from starring in a Grand Theft Auto entry if not still one foot in the snotty nosed troll camp. That pudgy dolt you’d hide your good china from, nobody loves Jimmy, and even Jimmy knows that as Bullworth Academy’s most obnoxiously obnoxious screwball.
As a Badass: That is, until he finally does stick it to all the right people doing all the wrong things. Spitballs, stink bombs, and outright arson, Jimmy’s good at one thing and one thing only: err, bullying. It takes all kinds to get a little justice in this world of ours, and Jimmy’s just the smart-mouthed cheat to do it. There’s no BS in Jimmy Hopkins’ world, and that takes guts, son.
Luigi
As a Dork: An average day in the life of Luigi goes something like this: run, cry, or have an embarrassing accident. Whether it’s ghosts, shady real estate, or bespectacled vacuum makers, Mario’s green clad partner in crime’s just a tad too squeamish for the sake of his blood pressure. That’s good, because he’ll need the adrenaline just to keep his pants dry through to the next boss. I am Luigi and hear me scream. Like a little girl.
As a Badass: Luigi’s a different story all together on paper. In Super Paper Mario, he’s petty, jealous, and dreaming of hogging the spotlight until he’s brainwashed by Count Bleck’s saucy secretary, Natasia, into being the no nonsense Mr. L. bent on crushing Mario with a “brobot” shaped like his own head. Naturally, Mario smacked him back to his senses, and Luigi went back to his humble self, totally unaware of his fifteen minutes of fame and butt-kickery. Now that’s one hell of a story for the folks in therapy.
Meat Boy
As a Dork: Are you man or meat? That’s likely the question poor, beleaguered Meat Boy asked himself in the mirror every day before jumping to his imminent, painful death, smiling through his tears the whole way. Meat Boy looks like he might as well be stuck between two slices of pumpernickel than the cover of GQ, and that’s probably why he’s got a bandage for a girlfriend. That, and he’s regularly flicked off by a fetus. A sentient fetus. In a jar. What a dweeb…
As a Badass: …until 200 levels and 10,000+ lives afterwards. No pain, no gain, and our proud little Meat Boy tests his mettle more than his meaty share of agony and defeat, no worse for wear. Err, well, at least no worse than previously, and all with the love of his measly life safe and sound. Maybe it’s hip to be square after all. Step Up Here Little Man So there’s hope for you runts yet. Who’d we miss? Sound off in the comments below and let us know just who you think you are.
Step Up Here, Little Man
So there’s hope for you runts yet. Be it dork, badass, or just some chum in between, who’d we miss? Sound off in the comments below and let us know just who you think you are.
