Jack Attacks Square Enix

So it turns out the weekly opinion piece isn’t quite so weekly. Oh well, on to Square Enix.

Oh Square Enix, how do I say this without putting myself on some form of internet censor list. We’ve had a good run, you and I. From my lonely days as a social reject immersed in Final Fantasy VII to my less socially ambiguous days in secondary school where you would always be waiting for me to come home, long after the sensible bed time had passed, for just a ‘few minutes’ of Kingdom Hearts II. You’re an old, and dear, friend. One who has opened my eyes to the concept of fantasy and made my life all the better for it. But now…

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I can’t stand the sight of you. 

If you were my pet dog we’d have made that departing journey to the back of the shed years ago. If you were my nan, I’d have crammed you into the first retirement vacancy I could find and then smother you in your sleep before leaving incriminating evidence to entangle the nurse, for being such a puke to me on the way in. Yes Square Enix, if I could, I would end you right here, right now before I you do yourself any further self harm.

Yet let’s get this clear, my sensational fallout with Square Enix isn’t motivated completely by the lack of Kingdom Hearts III and Final Fantasy Versus XIII or even the the fact that Final Fantasy XIV was just … — GAH!!! Once upon a time if some one had said that Square would be releasing more than two games per year I’d have laughed at them. Now I can only cry about it. Increasing their productions was a dream come true for the younger, more impatient me. Now the older, more wiser, me just wants to go back to the day when the Square Enix brand meant one thing; pure, certified, quality.

Just look at their track record! Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Chrono Trigger and Super Mario RPG! SUPER MARIO RPG!!! All of these games were the dog’s bollocks in their day and anyone over the age of fifteen will have at least heard of them and they’re all still regarded as the forerunners to the RPG industry today. The pedigree is there, so why the hell is Square Enix pushing side stories, hand held games and horror stories like Mind Jack. There’s no way Mind Jack should have been that bad, no way! Had I been in charge of a publisher and my trusted development teams landed that piece of shit on my desk I would have had them lined up against the wall and pimp slapped one at a time with a sturgeon. A very large, extra smelly sturgeon.

Once more in those rare occasions when Square Enix will open their window and actually hear what we want they’ll give it to us in the completely wrong format! I wanted another Parasite Eve, one of my most loved games of all time, and I got The 3rd Birthday, on PSP. I was not a happy bunny, and that is putting it lightly. The 3rd Birthday was decent attempt on the wrong console, which amounts to little when the demand was so great. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the PSP; it’s just that from 2009 onwards I saw it as a pointless platform where any game released for it could have been infinitely great on the PS3 or Xbox 360. Yet no lesson was taken from that, unfortunately, as we’re doomed to see our most beloved franchises continue down the path of the handheld for the foreseeable future, Dream Drop Distance being the most contemporary example. Apart from two good titles on portable consoles, The World Ends With You & Ogre Tactics, Square Enix just isn’t coming up with the goods and isn’t in tune with it’s fan base.

“But what about Just Cause 2, Deus Ex: Human Revolution and the upcoming Hitman?” – Jade, staunch Square Enix Ambassador

In all mentioned cases Square Enix is nothing more than a publisher, taking an inkling of hard earned spotlight from the true developers behind both titles. Even Batman and Call of Duty entries fly the Square Enix colours when they eventually sail across the Pacific. Another reason for my disdain is the fact that the most recent, and reportedly best, entry to the Final Fantasy archives is Type Zero, which is PSP exclusive (In 2012!?!) and currently only available in Japan. Pause the bloody sky plus, is Square Enix taking the proverbial piss out of us or what?

More annoying is the fact that Square Enix is still capable of creating wonderful games without the Final Fantasy moniker, with Nier being the most obvious example. It’s bold approach to the RPG genre and refreshing mechanics gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, Square was turning a corner. They haven’t, so far at least, and so now I’m left with the question as to why they haven’t pushed on with games like Nier and I think I know why; money, the only thing that talks in any industry.

New, untested, games means something that will more than likely hit the developer’s wallet where it hurts. Some say it’s because of financial problems that Square Enix are facing that they can’t invest in new titles, especially after so many of their recent attempts have bombed — on that note whoever came up with the idea of Xbox 360 exclusive JRPGs should have been shot. So now, somehow, Square are short on dough. Hello? Square Enix in case you have forgotten, you’re sitting on top of the biggest golden egg laying goose in video game history — over dramatised I know — and you don’t know how to make some money out of it? How in the hell did the top brass gather at the round table and not bring up this!

If some mad genius could figure out a way to combine the plots of Before Crisis, Crisis Core, Final Fantasy VII and, hell if plausible, Advent Children into a simple, complete, game do you know what you would get? One very long game and very freaking huge pay day! Do you know what Capcom did when fans wanted Marvel vs Capcom III? They gave it to them, and they bought it. Considering the fact that Cloud Strife is more popular than Jesus to the gaming industry you can assume a hell of a lot of people would be severing limbs to get a copy of a contemporary complete compilation, or even just one more concluding chapter! Remember Genesis? Well he is still walking around and I doubt Gackt would have anything better to do if you waved a pay check under his nose for a few mo-cap sessions and a theme song or two! Financial difficulties solved, what else needs work? Oh right, Tetsuya Nomura!

Don’t know him? It’s because he retreats to his mad scientist laboratory and plays with hair gel for half a decade before getting to work. Nomura is responsible for the salon locks waving from the domes of Cloud, Sora, Sephiroth and company. But when he isn’t designing awesome characters, he can be an awesome game director. In fact, he’s the best mind Square Enix have left and he has two speeds of development; stop or snail paced. While I don’t mind him taking his time making the perfect game, he’s not actually taking his time. He’s making spin off titles. Dream Drop Distance, Chain of Memories, Birth By Sleep and Crisis Core. Every decent  spin off was his fault, the consoles they ended up on is not his fault. What annoys me most is the constant procrastination, the failure to simply get the &$£% on with it and just finish Final Fantasy Versus XIII, the messiah of Square Enix’s possible new salvation. But in case you don’t know, we haven’t heard anything on it for some time. My guess is the top brass can’t afford to piss him off, and are giving him as much time as he pleases.

Well screw that, I say they march down to his office and drag him kicking and screaming into the fray. As for the rest of the development teams, the ones responsible for such titles as The Last Remnant and Infinite Undiscovery, they’ll also get a taste of my smelly sturgeon just for being in the premises at that time. This can’t go on, the ship has been sinking long enough and something has got to give. Square Enix needs the money, and in the current state of play we the consumers need quality role playing games now more than ever!

Thank you by the way, if you’re reading this I assume you’ve read it all and have somehow made it to the final hurdle. So why not take that extra bit of time and leave a comment or even read the first entry to the Jack Attacks series?